still on my string
by escapiism
Summary: Josh and Maya play the long game. (And it's one second each seven times she wishes she hadn't started it — but at each end comes a new beginning.)
1. the beginning

**title:** miles high in the deep

 **a/n:** i swear i'll never get bored of writing these two.. i have about five chapters down already because i _finally_ have inspiration (just as i start school, which sucks)! i tbh i dont' know what else i'm supposed to put here, but i guess, just enjoy haha xD

(and yes, i did steal the title from a zella day song^^)

 **summary:** Josh and Maya play the long game. (And it's one second each seven times she wishes she hadn't started it—but at each end comes a new beginning.) —josh/maya, always almost, and never quite right.

* * *

[Let her live her fucking life and for God's sake don't kiss her.]

* * *

 _you're scared; i'm nervous  
_ _but i guess that we did it on purpose_

* * *

The first time is just a confirmation that they've always been wrong.

It's just too much of an _accident_ it has to have happened on purpose.

* * *

(Sometimes Maya wonders that if she'd just said eight words less—)

* * *

Somewhere between bobbleheads and a growling stomach Maya's mind wanders off. It's not unfamiliar, but she hates it. It's actually pretty easy for one Maya Hart to forget her world in a matter of two months, because she's _Maya_ and her dad's a fucking ass and her mum's a fucking mess (less of one now, though), but it's impossible now. It's impossible because sometimes, more than the odd time _now_ , she doesn't feel like Maya at all.

She does feel like shit, though. A fool holding onto hope like it's all she has (perhaps it is), and whatever "someday" means makes her one even bigger and that's more than eternity of how much she despises being _clueless_. (She's clueless, but it's all she knows.)

She's already lost this long game.

If it was one to begin with... if he'd said it only to get her off his chest... if it was all a stupid, _stupid_ dream and she's the joke of the show. And she hates him, fucking _loathes_ that flawless face of his sometimes, maybe an always in another world, but he's all she can ever think about and that, she only has her own injudicious self to blame.

So maybe it really isn't a game at all.

(Sometimes Maya wishes she could go back in history, maybe hunt down Shakespeare first, before _stopping herself fall into his trap_. Because then she'd have felt an infinity less, said eight words less and none of this would have happened.)

* * *

Riley and Lucas are alone somewhere, probably planning their future, and Maya is propped against the door. It's times like these when she realises just how depressing her life is. Riley and Lucas are all loved up, even Smackle and almost-ex-husband _Farkle_ are. And Maya is alone. Of course.

It's a lie to say she's not jealous of them.

It's when her head starts to throb does the door collide into her spinal chord and she is thrown backwards into the rubbish bin and she almost shouts until she hears a voice she knows all too well (or if she knows him at all). And then her head throbs even more it has to be a lie, but it isn't. It really, really isn't, and Maya wants to slap herself—slap _him_ —until she forgets.

"...What's everyone doing, who's here?"

Maya tries not to, but she can't. (She's not the silly little fourteen-year-old who jumped on his back, stole his NYU acceptance letter, then stalked him all the way there like the biggest starry-eyed stalker in the world, but she is still Maya.) "Who do you most want to be here?"

And Maya's sure her heart stops seven times in two seconds as she hears Josh's footsteps nearing and she almost covers her ears until he pulls out her hand and she _really_ isn't thinking straight (as ever), but she takes it and he pulls her up and she swears

she

stops

breathing.

And he smiles his ethereal smile and her dreams shatter (and so does her heart) and she swears she can _hear_ the silence... and then he is smiling again and she is up on her feet and yet she's falling and he steadies her again, reading her mind, destructive, and then he says, "Maya." It sounds almost broken and for a second Maya forgets this butterfly effect and she's over the moon (and then she's not). He makes her feel things in ways they _shouldn't_ , she swears, because one second she loves him, then she hates him, and she's back to wishing he (she) didn't exist. A cycle.

Maya is shaky still. But she is sane enough now. "J-Josh." She refuses to believe she stuttered.

She wants to _kill him_.

"Long game?" he says heedlessly.

And she freezes.

But she's the best at pretending so she does what she's best at. "Long game."

* * *

They don't find Barry the Bear-Bear. But they do get tacos and Maya gets her bobblehead and her life's still depressing and Josh still makes her stomach churn but all that's not important.

Because she is holding Zay's hand. Sort of. They're in a bit of an awkward position, Maya propped unnaturally on the edge of the sofa, and Zay cross-legged on the carpet. But they're holding hands. Well, okay, Maya's not gripping on or anything, and nether is he, but from a distance they definitely would be. (From a distance _he_ is.)

Maya doesn't understand how they got like this, but it's okay. _Full House_ screeches from the screen but all she can hear are Riley and Lucas' sloppy kissing, and Smackle playing _Suduko_ with that scratchy pen of hers, and Farkle messing around with the popcorn in the massive bowl at Maya's feet.

It's her second (official) date with Zay.

So it's not completely a date, she guesses, because Josh is at the kitchen table playing _Scrabble_ with Auggie and Shawn, and any place with Boing, her stepdad, and Riley's kid brother makes everything more the less _official_ , but because Maya believes in Riley she'll accept it as one.

She really, really likes Zay. Perhaps only as a friend for _now_ , but he's one of the nicest guys she has ever met—and he knows she's still totally lost in Joshworld, but it's okay for him, and she almost loves him for that. (As a friend, only, she promises.)

It's just been all popcorn and holding hands and conversation for them. And it's perfect. She likes the way Zay laughs at the tiniest thing and draws out the details she wants him to draw out. She likes the way it feels—it's nothing like the whirlwind she's demanded to feel whenever he's _this_ close to her; whenever he's simply just there, blended in the background or not—she likes this versatility. It's not the same _you're here_ , _I think I may die_ , but the feeling that Maya is sure is supposed to be felt. It's not butterflies, but it's something, and she knows that—he does, too. It's not some crazy stupid love story, but it's definitely more than platonic... okay, not yet, but it's working it's way up... somewhatly. Nevertheless, Zay is so very different from Josh, and Josh is still a good guy, he _always has been_ , but sometimes Maya's never sure about herself when she's around him she can only see him as the guy who stole her everything. Sense and sensibility.

She loses herself around him.

She needs a guy who makes here feel like Maya.

And perhaps she and Zay can build _something_ and whatever it is she only has herself to count on, but she can't if he's still there. (He's there now and Maya wants to turn around, she _longs_ for it, but she's not going to do this—not to knock down this tiny thing called self-conscience she has never had before.)

But she's just stupid, right?

She takes a stand. Riley and Lucas look up in one almost bedraggled moment and whether she's hurt Zay yet she doesn't know. She finally passes him one small weak look and she's off, winding around the sofa, the TV still blaring, her heart still pounding with equally puckering lips and (she's sure) flushed cheeks (the first few signs that she is falling) and the trio look up from their game. Except it's only Shawn and Auggie who do. Because Josh is already staring at her, all green eyes and crystal balls, and for once she is staring back. Her eyes reflect. His eyes reflect.

It's a collision.

No, it's more than that.

He grits his teeth, and Maya all but follows his gaze. His eyes land on Zay. But of course.

"What?" Maya bites out (and she _shouldn't_ be angry, and she doesn't even know why, but she's stomping her heel and crossing her arms and her cheeks or bright red now. He swallows and Maya feels Shawn's pricking eyes, but in that moment she _does not care_. Auggie says something but she can't hear him. She can't hear anything). He doesn't answer, but only stands up. He's so much taller than her and it scares her (almost, almost, _ALMOST_ ).

"I'm sorry," he says. The first thing he's said to her since he'd arrived. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Maya says quietly. The embers are finally dying.

"In private?"

"...Sure."

They ignore Shawn and Auggie and Zay and everyone else because none of that matters now.

(Nothing matters to her when she's around him, _except_ for him, she's noticed.)

It's some messed up routine. Some messed up plan, _of some sorts_ —she takes his hand and walks them to the bay window. And they sit. The annoying thing is that he doesn't talk.

"So are you going to—"

"I was jealous tonight."

He throws her off course. Really, really off course and Maya freezes. Josh freezes, too, like he's just said the completely wrong thing (and he has, he has had to) and suddenly things are so very awkward. The only thing louder than them is the silence.

Then Maya wakes up. Of course he was. He was jealous, and a part of her loves that, but a part doesn't. She doesn't speak at all.

"And it's wrong, I know," he says. He rubs his hand on his neck. It's what people do when they're nervous, Maya has noted over past conversations. He's been doing that a lot recently, if she's right. Wherein she'd just stand there, in awe and in angst and a little (just a tinsy but) scared of the way she acts, because it's always the same for them. "It's just... this is a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"It always is."

"Exactly. I really thought... I really..." He pauses. "I really don't know. You're still three years younger than me—" ("Two," Maya interrupts with and he laughs, a little neurotic, a little requisite.) "And it's all wrong. But I guess... I guess I didn't realise until." And then he is off again, nibbling on his lip, staring out of the window, at the row of flower pots with the funny faces she and Riley had drawn on when they were five. Josh suppresses a laugh.

"You're not making any sense, Josh," Maya murmurs. And it's not _supposed_ to come out the way she is. But it does.

"I know. I'm... I'm really confused," is his short reply. "I'm confused because... because I shouldn't. But I do. And it really just... sprung up on me, and I didn't even realise. Well, I did, sort of. But tonight I saw you and him, _holding hands_ , and..." His look is slightly pained. She knows she shouldn't but she's curious.

"And what?"

"I got jealous," he repeats. "I got jealous and then I was frightened, because it's totally unfair for me to _be_ jealous, but I was, and I swear I was going crazy, and then you stood up and walked over." ("And then?") "And then I got even more jealous and frightened and confused and then I realised just what a terrible person I was." (Maya herself doesn't know what she would have done if she hadn't, for some bizarre reason walked over, but "You're not...") "I am. You deserve a guy..."

Maya wants to scream. _STOP IT, JOSH_.

"You deserve a guy who isn't going to... swoop in and try to ruin your happiness. Not that I'd ever do that intentionally, I _wouldn't_ , but... but every time I felt that way I feel like that's all I was doing," he admits, and Maya watches. "You deserve that kid—" and with a slight frown, "Zay. He is really into you, and I know you like him, too." _But what if I don't?_ Maya is desperate to her own muses. "So..."

"We're calling it quits?" Maya blurts out. Her eyes are almost, almost tearing up. _Please don't._ "Josh, that doesn't make you—"

"We're young," he intervenes. He looks thoughtful. "We're young."

"We are," nods Maya. "And do you want to know what I think?" His eyes signal a comply. "I think... I think you're wrong. And right. And beautiful—" (That she has to add.) "I don't know why I came up to you, but it was because..." She swallows. "You know what I feel every time I'm near you? I get... I get scared. Not of you, but because I'm _this_ close to you, and I swear every little bone in me breaks. Because that's the way you make me feel. And I know you're older than me, but what I feel... it hasn't changed." _And maybe it won't_.

He is looking at her with such passion Maya doesn't understand.

He is the first to break the silence this time. "You're mad at me."

"Yes," Maya says, biting her lip. She can't lie. "You can't re-initiate the long game, tell me you like me, say we have some "someday" or voodoo magic or _whatever_ —" And Maya steps up. She turns her back so he can't see her eyes. "Then you make me feel all these... _things_ that _I don't know_ , to some extent I can't even _look_ at you without having some panic attack—" (And at this, Josh flinches.) "And then you... and then you tell me you're a terrible person. Because you feel things that I feel _every second_ , trust me. And then you _tell_ me you want to—"

She has no time to answer.

There is slight pressure on her right hand and then light pressure upon her lips. And it takes her two-three seconds to wrap her head around the fact that there is pressure, and then it's a hundred years before she realises what it means.

He is kissing her.

And this thought alone almost kills her, she _swears_.

Maya has only ever kissed two people in her whole life. There was this freckly kid who looked a bit like Harry Potter back in fourth grade she'd shared a rather slobbery kiss with she'd never like to revisit—and then there was the time in seventh grade during an intense round of _Spin the Bottle_. She'd kissed this guy named Rob. (Riley had kissed Farkle.) And it was chaste, lasted two seconds, and it was probably one of the worst days of her life.

(And then there was the time she was _closer-than-close_ to kissing Lucas.)

Maya doesn't know how to kiss—but she tries. She lets his hands get tangled in her hair as she adjusts herself so it doesn't make her seem like the worst kisser in the world.

It's not a soft kiss.

It's more like a kiss of wasted years, wasted time. Like it's _the_ moment, and all this built up behind them is finally uplifting, and it's perfect, but it's not.

It's driving her crazy.

It's a while until they both pull away. Maya's crying, and Josh looks like he's about to cry, too.

"I'm so sorry, Maya, I shouldn't have done that, just... _shit_!" Josh groans, and steps closer to Maya. _DON'T kiss me again_. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Can you tell me if I did?" Maya shakes her head each time. "Maya, please. Maya?" She refuses to look at him. It's in this moment she _hates him_. For _everything_. "Maya—"

" _Don't_ ," she says, venom in her voice. "Don't touch me."

Josh immediately steps back. "Maya—"

"Can you go?"

And he does.

The door closes and while he's off feeling fifty shades of idiot Maya falls onto the couch. And she touches her lip.

* * *

 **maya.**

 **maya can u please pick up?**

 **maya?**

Her phone's been spazzing up all day. She's making pancakes at Riley's and she tries to ignore the _ting_ at each message. It's been a million and one now, it has to be.

"Someone's desperate," Riley quips up as she opens a tub of kiwi.

"It's nothing."

 **maya, please?**

 **I'm sorry. I'm a stupid idiot and I swear**

 **maya, just once please**

"Who is it?" Riley asks, taking one in her mouth, shoving one in Maya's mouth. She chews although she hates kiwi (and Riley knows that) and that is when she knows she can't keep anything from her best friend forever. She's shared everything with her—there was even one point in their reckless lives they had tried to match their period times so they wouldn't feel terrible for each other such time as they had to.

"It's Josh," Maya says.

 **maya?**

"My _uncle_?"

"No."

 **did I really hurt you?**

"What happened?"

 _He's an idiot but I love him_.

 **tell me you're okay?**

"Is this about when—"

"Yes," Maya says sharply.

 **I'm getting worried**

 **I know I shouldn't have left but**

 **I'm stupid**

 **I'm really really stupid**

 **but can u please pick up? just once?**

"You're angry at him?"

 _More than you could ever know_.

 **maya.**

" _Fuck it_ ," Maya cries.

She dials his number (and yes, she knows it off by heart by now).

He picks up straight away.

" _Maya!_ "

Riley nods at her in a pointed second and it's her and him now. All alone, but it's different. "I overreacted last night."

" _No, no, no you didn't_. _I was a stupid idiot and I shouldn't have kissed you but I did and I feel terrible about it_ ," Josh's voice is strained as he speaks. " _I really didn't hurt you?"_

"You didn't," promises Maya. And it's a huge fat lie even his dad could sniff out but it's the only words that come out of her system. "Can we just..."

" _Forget it?"_

And it hurts.

But it's the right thing to do.

"Yes."

* * *

 **a/n:** i'm having serious doubts of my sanity right now xDD none of this makes sense i swear and i actually hate the josh in the chapter but you know, fuck it. also, my writing is so sloppy right now so please forgive me.

i hope you enjoyed nonetheless and at some point i'll clear it up.

-let's just say maya walked up to them because she wanted to confront her own feelings and let's say she's angry because she couldn't xDD


	2. second time, upside down

**title:** miles high in the deep

 **a/n:** okay, so i forgot last chapter, but maya was fifteen/sixteen then, and josh eighteen. there's a bit of a time jump from that chapter to this one, and there will be more in the future :) so in this chapter maya is seventeen, and josh twenty, in college.

also, _**thank you for all the reviews/favourites/follows!**_

 **summary:** Josh and Maya play the long game. (And it's one second each seven times she wishes she hadn't started it—but at each end comes a new beginning.) —josh/maya, always almost, and never quite right.

* * *

[If it makes you feel any better, she's standing right in front of you.]

* * *

 _well, the streets are empty where we used to run  
_ _and the cars are all on fire_

* * *

It's the perfect cliche. There's always the missing jigsaw piece, the last ember. They are good at keeping promises (almost, almost), and this is really no exception. It's a few words every now and again when he's knocking on their door, and it's several more as they both get older. And they forget, they do, they do.

And the second time just _has_ to be a mistake... right?

* * *

" _Boing_!"

Josh just about hears (feels) something go off in the back of his mind. It's a beautifully familiar sound unmatched with a beautifully unfamiliar remark. But Josh really doesn't care right now, because he turns, and gorgeous, _gorgeous_ Maya Hart stands gloriously in the five feet something she is. She's so beautiful.

"Maya," he says with a sloppy grin and before he knows it she's smothered him with a hug (something brings him back four years but he ignores it) and he reciprocates. It's like before, before that mess of a triangle and before Maya forgetting and before _him_ forgetting—things feel carefree. Things feel like the nervous Maya and the flustered Josh. Because it _is_ them, no more, no less.

(Her hair smells like cinnamon and she reminds him of home but all that is not important he tells himself to forget.)

"Look at you," Josh beams at the blonde. "All grown up."

"Josh, you saw me last Thursday," Maya replies, but she sports a smile on her face. Josh wonders if she still likes him like that—one hundred percent understandable if she doesn't, after all, he messed up big time and they both went their separate ways (Josh is pretty sure the long game faded into the backgrounds of their lives and "someday" would only ever be in history books), and Maya started to date Zay—officially. There were times when Josh had had to contain himself from lunging at the younger guy who seemingly was Maya's new "boing", and he'd found himself coming to an understanding with himself. They were being what they should be—Maya was doing exactly what he'd told her to—and there was no doubt in Josh's faith with himself, but he knew—he knew—that Maya was Maya and he was Josh and kissing her was one step way too far. Because from that moment onward... it seemed like everything in their path blew away.

They both moved on.

And it's been two years.

"I know, but you're in college now," Josh grins.

"I am," Maya whispers, more to herself than him. "I'm in college now."

 _You live your life, I'll live mine... I know you're out there, and... I'm out there, too_.

Josh no longer sees Maya like that. Maya's his niece's best friend, and he loves her equally as one.

Maya shakes her head and snaps out of whatever daze _now_ , and turns to Josh once more. "It was really nice seeing you. Like, here—" And Maya has this adorably dorky smile uplifting her lips and Josh's heart skips a beat. "It's weird, but awesome," she laughs nervously. "'Til next time?"

Josh thinks about their situation three years before. Similarly: "'Til next time."

* * *

They start seeing each other more often—they're in completely different classes; completely different years, but it's like the word's compelling them to crash (like, quite, literally) into each other—moreover Maya, because she's clumsy and all high klunky boots but Josh secretly loves it. Something has definitely _not_ shifted between the two of them but it's a moment when Josh is helping her up and she's averting his gaze and biting her lip when maybe, just a tiny bit, he _does_ see her like that.

And then the moment is gone again.

But it's not only then—sometimes Maya forces Josh down at one of the seats in the college cafe when she needs to ramble and he listens with a stupid smile on his face. Then there's the times when she listens to _him_ , and it's equally stupid and magical and everything in between it's _perfect_.

Talking to her has always been easy, except it's really, really different now.

There's that one flash of a moment when he feels like the Maya who recklessly jumped on his back and stole his acceptance letter (the little ferret) is back. She giggles a little louder, smiles a little wider, and she doesn't let it rest. But it's a flash of a moment, and it's gone before he's back, too.

He misses that Maya.

* * *

One day mid-November Maya arrives at his dorm all soaking and burning tears.

He reacts like lightning, pulling her in. It's empty and Maya shivers as the cold draught hits her, to which Josh replies by shutting the window. The room is all bare walls and notepads and Maya shivers again. She's stopped crying and he's long taken his jacket off to wrap it around her bare shoulders. She's still shivering incessantly and there's nothing Josh can do to stop that.

But he will try.

"So," Josh starts, and he tucks a piece of gentle blonde behind her ears so he can look at her clearly (he knows when she's lying). Maya looks up, just once, and immediately tears her gaze away. Josh frowns, but doesn't push it. "Maya? Is there any reason you're here at—" Josh peers at his wristwatch. "—eleven?" She is not replying and Josh frowns once more. "What, did someone..." He doesn't need her to answer to know it's something about that Zay of hers. It's an old necklace around her neck, what Josh usually notices when he sees her. It's old, but beautiful—a crescent shaped golden emblem. Vintage and a million dollars worth, probably. Josh asked her about it once, and she'd told him all about it.

...It's not on her neck.

Josh doesn't say any more about that and neither does Maya. Instead: "You wanna stay here tonight?"

Maya nods numbly.

So Josh pulls out one of his old baggy lacrosse shirts and passes it to her. She takes it, a thoughtful look on her face.

"You can go take a shower, it's all clean," Josh smiles weakly. "You can take Schnoopaloop's—" Maya suppresses (by such a force Josh nibbles on his lip) a laugh. "—bed. He's off at some internship in Georgia for the rest of the month. That's clean, too. And... wait, I'll get you a towel." He passes her an old faded purple one and before he knows it she's disappeared to the bathroom.

(Josh tries to ignore her crying.)

He buries his face in one of his _Mastermind_ textbooks and plugs his earphones in to drown the noise. It's about twenty, thirty minutes when Maya's back in his room, wearing his shirt and nothing else. Josh swallows inwardly.

"You okay?" he asks, and she places the wet towel in his laundry basket (and although he does his very best _not to focus_ —her shimmery strapless dress goes down the rubbish bin in a blink), before taking a seat beside him.

"Just about," smiles Maya. It's the first two words she's said since she got here and whether it's supposed to come reassuringly to him he doesn't know, but he takes it as a good sign because he's an optimistic fucker. Maya edges closer to him and Josh panics when Maya rests her head on his shoulder. Her voice is drowsy when she mutters what is probably the three most harmless words on the planet to make him feel like... like... gosh, he doesn't even know. ("Thank you, Josh.")

Then she's out like a light.

...But Josh lets her linger on his shoulder for a while.

* * *

The moment she wakes Maya's totally back to normal.

Alright, so there's that initial "Where the hell am I?", then she sees Josh in pyjama pants drinking a glass of water and she falls off the bed.

"Good night's sleep?" Josh asks, placing the glass down and walking up to Maya, pulling his hand out. (It's _so_ cliche.)

"Good night's sleep," Maya nods, rubbing her head. "Kinda. I have one hell of a headache... and my eyes feel so swelled up. I look like some demented panda, don't I?"

"You look fine, Maya," Josh says. "Gorgeous."

"Stop it," Maya scoffs.

"No," grins Josh.

Maya smiles at him. "Well, I'm gonna go—" She groans. "Shit, my clothes are all in my dorm," and she bites on her nails. "What do I do? I mean, I can't exactly leave like this, because... we can't get..."

She stops herself, but Josh's eyebrows perk up. "We can't get what?"

Maya blushes bright red. "You know, the wrong impression. Plus, my room's literally at the other end of the school."

"Then I guess you'll just have to stay here forever," Josh says. Her eyes widen, and Josh finds it so fucking adorable. "I'm kidding. I called you roommate... well, she called you, and I answered." Maya's eyes widen even more. "No, she knows why and _not like that_. She was just worried about you and I asked her to bring you some spare clothes. So," Josh brings up a heap of clothes and hands it over. "here you are. See? No one will ever know." He looks over at Maya's old vintage-y bag hanging on his green wheely chair. "Oh, and your bag. She dropped that off, too. All's sorted."

"God, I love you," Maya says with a wistful sigh.

Josh freezes and although he and she both know it's all supposed to be in Maya's typical jokey manner it scares them. Maya's never had those words out of her mouth before, and Josh has never heard it from another girl—especially Maya freaking Hart, the girl who plays with his feels inadvertently over and over again.

"Well, that came out weirdly, Boing," Maya shakes it all off with a laugh (of some sorts). "But you know what I mean, didn't you?" She gives him a wink and Josh swears his heart melts. Maya picks her stuff up and heads for the bathroom once more. "I'll be off," she says, and with a twinkle in her eyes: "No peeking." And then she's off and Josh seriously needs to get checked out or something, because he's really not thinking straight right now. (Hasn't for a damn long time.)

Josh gets changed, too, and pretends nothing's happened.

* * *

They walk to class together and yesterday night's completely forgotten (seems like they've been doing that a lot), and they're back, whirling in old habits, being who they are. Josh sees Maya's gold crescent's still abwesend (not that he expected much) and then sees through her little facade (he's done that through watching, something he's known to be rather good at). ...She's trying her hardest not to break.

Because she's Maya, the girl with the greatest capacity of love Josh has ever seen.

"Well, this is my stop," Maya says as they reach one of the rear classrooms—seems like class has just begin, with students tumbling in, tumbling out, scattered around, _happy_. Josh nods. "I'll see you around, Uncle Boing," she whispers, tiptoeing so her mouth is just in level with his ear. Josh flinches but hides with some highly strung noise between a laugh and a cough.

"I'm not your uncle, Maya," he teases slowly.

Maya shakes her head and snorts, "Too right." Pause. "Well, thank you, Josh. Again."

"My pleasure, Gorgeous."

"Goodbye," is her last reply.

* * *

It's a little more than a month later when they collide like that again.

Sure, they have more run-ins, some more on purpose than mistakenly, and it's really great again. Zay is not once brought up but after some time (Josh watches still) Maya smiles like she used to, and Josh knows that whatever bad blood has been cleared. He texts Riley over the course of the weeks and she assures him that they're still friends. She questions why, and Josh doesn't say anything, but it's like Riley can read his voice from a hundred miles away.

Niece Riley does ask about Maya more than the one time, and Josh asks her about long distances with her Western Hero. Their replies are the same, pretty much, with Josh's short mutter of "Great", and Riley's equally hoarse one. They both know something's—most things—aren't so great because they're both Matthews and they work that way. Riley's aware of him and his (slight) feelings for Maya, as Josh is aware of Riley's insecurities with a boyfriend she hasn't seen in two months.

With an almost complete degree in psychology, Josh tells Riley they're the "strongest couple I have ever seen". It's that agenda in which Riley replies with, "You do know she's single, right?"

It doesn't take a dummy to realise it's Maya she's on about.

"You do know we haven't been playing the long game for two years," Josh points out. It's hard lying to her; but Josh has always been a terrible liar. He's been told too many times. Riley doesn't answer for a while, but Josh knows what she's thinking about—she knows everything, the little frizzball. "And anyways, I don't like her like that." Oh well, a shot's to give.

"Liar," Riley taunts.

 _Oh, God_. "She's three years younger than me."

And Josh can _hear_ Riley's despair as she hangs up.

* * *

He spends Christmas at Morgan's this year. He's tags along Alan and Amy, holding a few bauble hats and there's something stuck in his throat. Something he needs to say.

Morgan opens the door with a cheery smile and a pretty face—she's engaged now, Josh can tell. He's never seen his sister this happy—and Morgan's always been all Barbie dolls and happy endings, his whole life. She holds Alan and Amy and then she holds Josh—she holds him a little tighter and by her grip Josh knows that even through dolls with plastered smiles and all happily ever afters, nothing's perfect. The twenty-nine-year-old kisses his forehead and mouthes something but Josh's attention is elsewhere.

It's a lot quieter than Cory's, and for reasons Josh is glad, but he misses Auggie and Riley and screaming and everything out of place. Here in Philly it's quiet and the cars drive silently. It's home, and yet it's every second Josh wishes he's back to a place that actually _feels_ like so.

On the last day Morgan holds him tight again.

She's telling him something, but Josh doesn't know what.

* * *

He doesn't get the whole deal with New Years. Sure, it's great, 2017 to 2018, romantic, blah blah blah, but it's nothing so dramatically amazing. A New Years kiss is just a kiss—why is it all uber exciting and new and everything right _then_?

Josh finds himself in an old dress shirt and black jeans holding a glass of champagne that supposedly will last him the night. Cory's call in the middle of the night had startled him, of course, but this situation was kinda the least of his worries.

Except for right now, of course.

Apart from college, he's never actually been to such a "New Years" party, back again with the whole big deal thing... there's college and all, but that's mostly horny teenagers making out in the basement with a sappy movie on and a game of _Cluedo_ left unwanted on the desk clouded with tequila and scattered out-of-date humbugs. He speaks of his experiences, only.

It's probably some epic way of reuniting Riley and Lucas, topped with that whole New Years romance thing he still—and probably never will—understand. His niece and said boyfriend deserve the world and more, but it's _no big fuss_. Really though.

(Until Josh feels a tap on his back.)

"Yeah?"

And Josh has a double-take, quite literally. The whole fucking world really hates him, doesn't it?

Maya is stunning. Her hair swept back in curls and sparkles, her dress flowing in all the right places, in just the right shade of pale blue. She smiles and her eyes twinkle as she gives Josh a hug. God damn it, he loves her hugs.

Then they let go. "You look absolutely beautiful, Maya."

Maya beams. "Thank you, Josh. You look pretty handsome, too."

Josh beams back. The world _really_ does hate him.

"You look bored out of your mind," Maya utters.

"I kinda am?" offers Josh.

"You kinda are," Maya grins. And then her expression is sombre and Josh wonders what he possible he could have done wrong now. It has happened before. Maya blows a strand of her hair out of her face and to the top of her head—"And I kinda am, too." She collapses onto the sofa pulling Josh with her and she smirks at the tray of all sorts of alcohol placed in front of them like holy grail.

As Maya makes for one of the glasses, Josh pulls it from her reach, quirking an eyebrow, "Aren't you too young for that, Miss Hart?"

Maya sticks out her tongue. "No fair. Plus, _you're_ technically still underage."

Josh laughs and the sound of hers echoing is heaven to his ears. "Okay, I'll let it slide for tonight, kid."

Maya pouts. "Don't call me that."

Josh almost doesn't heart because he's downed a shot and it's _one_ but his vision's getting a little hazy. Maybe it's Maya, maybe it's just him outing on one pretty crappy day. Maya follows his trail, drinking colourlessly, recklessly, and she mutters the occasional sentence but really, nothing's making much sense at all. Her words are soon slurring and so are his and it's not even midnight and they're trashed.

They watch the disaster they call family (and friends) rush in and out, all over the place, talking, kissing, whispering. It's funny. They're all cuddly and cheerful while Maya and Josh are wasted in a matter of ten minutes.

In the corner of his eye, Josh spots Zay staring at them. "M-Maya," he calls out weakly. But he never finishes his sentence. Maya opens one eye, and the cute little smile stretching her cheeks is replaced with something serious it scares him a little—it's like the face she had, what, seven minutes before? Either way, it's really unsettling.

"Josh?" He hums in response, still a little too drunk to function properly. Things are catapulting here and there, back and forth and his mind is a crazy place. But he listens to Maya because he likes her voice. "I-I need to talk to you. Kind of away from everyone here. Please?" Josh peers at the girl in front of him in such curiosity Maya looks away instantaneously. But he nods and lets Maya take his hand (like old time's sake, always, always).

They are stopped before they make it out of this crazed catastrophe.

" _IT'S A PAAAAAARTY, MAYAAAAAA_ ," screeches Riley, a corresponding Lucas by her side. If Josh wasn't so drunk himself he'd cringe at the state his niece is in, and harder for the poor cowboy attached to her hip. Maya groans at her best friend but flashes Josh a fake smile. Riley screams louder, "So... you need to en _JOYY_ it! No no _noo_ sneaking out. You need to have... fun." She turns her head lopsidedly. "Oh, hey, Uncle Joshhhhh..."

"Hey, Niece Rileeeey," he replies, _just for fun_.

Then Maya tugs on Josh's sleeve and he knows she's getting impatient. He loves it.

"Wh-what?" Josh asks innocently.

Maya stamps her heel, disgruntled, but finally pulls him along, past drunken Riley and drunken Lucas and drunken everybody else. The bay window is only ten strides away, and they're soberly sane enough to know what it's all about.

They're five strides through and Farkle quite starkly pops out of nowhere, a tray placed upon a wobbly hand, a flower in his mouth (and a lipstick stain on his right cheek, one Josh blatantly tries to ignore).

"May I enlighten—"

"For _fuck's_ sake," Maya growls. "Everyone's too drunk anyway."

"Uhuhuh?"

"Josh, listen," Maya strains.

Josh nods. "I am." Josh wonders if Maya is drunk at all because in this moment, this lighting, she looks so _sure_. Josh's vision is too blurry to check if it's her magical talent of pretending. Putting up the facade she always does.

"I didn't come crying at your door because of Zay," she murmurs. It's small, her voice has shrunk to an extent Josh needs to clean his ears, but he does hear her. Instead, he looks at her blankly she bites her lip, and: "You know, the night when I was all crazy, over the place. The night you gave me your top?" Maya doesn't give Josh a word in edgeways before she continues. "Strangely enough, the whole me-and-Zay situation was the least crappiest thing of the day of all my crazy shit falling all over the place. Like... it was—"

" _TEN_!"

A countdown goes off somewhere in the back of their minds but it goes by unnoticed.

"It was mutual. No, it was more than mutual... we were," Maya swallows. "We were always a lot better off as friends."

"Like you and Lucas." It's his first (sober) reply.

" _EIGHT_!"

"Like me and Lucas," nods Maya. "More than anything we were siblings... and I think we always knew that. But we built up something so good for almost two years now... and it would be a shame to, I don't know, make it all crumble." (" _FIVE_!") "Because we knew we both deserved better than that." She pauses, just for a second. "Most of the time I was... 'dating' him it felt like that. Zay and I... I like us being friends, more than anything. We work better that way."

"You think so?" Josh carelessly throws in.

"I-I know so," Maya says.

" _THREE_!"

"So it wasn't Zay."

"No," she confirms. "It was everything else. Plus, I lost my mum's lucky necklace. You know, the one with the moon and the stars. The three letters."

"I thought Zay gave that to you?"

She doesn't answer. In fact, it's like she doesn't want to say _anything_ more although Josh is almost, almost certain she's still got the universe to talk him through. Josh _really_ contemplates on her drunkenness as she turns to face him—blue eyes so damn bright and contrasting and _gorgeous_.

And there's something else that goes off in his mind, but it doesn't matter because all of a sudden there's something, someone with hands in his hair, lips on his mouth, and that's pretty much startles him to the depths of the earth.

But through his haze he knows it's Maya.

...He kisses her back.

Because it's Maya.

And it's the only thing he's sure about.

* * *

to the guest reviewers (thank you all:D):

 **Jen:** i couldn't agree with you more! there's poor helpless maya and josh who feels downright horrible—i guess josh was kind of a jerk but you're right, it is hard for him to see maya with zay. and i do, too :)

 **Guest:** hahaha they are xD

 **Melissa:** well, i never thought of that haha, but i think you're also right. there's a part of maya who knows josh _is_ jealous, and she's mad about everything else it all sort of falls into place. and thank you so much :)

 **Gmw fan:** yes, she's scared about this "someday", surely, and he is, too. they know each other back to front and although maya truly does care about zay, there's always josh (and the kiss) she can't forget. thank you for reviewing :)

 **Guest:** me all the time bc joshaya xD

 **Guest:** :'(

 **Allie** (we have the same name!xD) **:** gahh :'(

 **Guest:** i assure you a kiss like that will come :)

 **Guest:** *wink wink*

 **Joshaya:** thank youu and so am i! xDD


	3. interlude i

**title:** still on my string

 **a/n:** so this is more of a filler chapter than anything else, it's still only been two... almosts (but tbqh you could see this chapter as more as a.. "second time" than the first, either or)? lmao idk. it's an interlude, i guess, because there's a pretty mighty time jump to the next chapter. it's moments after last chapter, so maya's still seventeen, and josh is still twenty. **edit:** nope messed up, josh is maya is eighteen (nineteen later on) and josh is twenty-one.

and once again, thank you for all the reviews/favourites/follows! it seriously means a lot to me :)

and oh yeah, i changed the title^^

 **summary:** Josh and Maya play the long game. (And it's one second each seven times she wishes she hadn't started it—but at each end comes a new beginning.) —josh/maya, always almost, and never quite right.

* * *

[I do my thing, and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if in the end we end up together... it's beautiful.]

* * *

 _and i'll use you as a warning sign  
_ _that if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind_

* * *

The first thing Maya sees are purple metallic-y splodges all over this place of overwhelming light and there's something that reminds her of what would be an equivocal scent coming from _somewhere_... not that Maya would want to know. Things like that just need to stay like that.

She blinks one, two, three times before she feels somewhat sober (if that is what it is) enough to wake up.

 _Aaaaaaaand_ nope.

Maya collapses, frenzied, downright breathless _already_ , and good _God_ is one Maya Hart confused as bloody Mars right now, but she's so fucking drained not a fibre gives a damn about what she's feeling—that is, until someone stirs and groans and Maya stops.

It's annoying, it really is—because whatever happens, however many years pass, whether you feel for them or _not_ , there's that _one_ person in the whole world who makes you lose everything... and it just has to be him, doesn't it? Stupid, _stupid_ Josh, the one guy she's oh so helplessly, drastically, been pining over for goodness knows how many years. It's not a lie to say the little spark that once made her fierce is gone, and even more so perhaps she's forgotten about most of him these past two years attached to _someone_ else, but then again, _no_ , it hasn't. Nothing's changed, not now, not ever, probably (and that's the worst part, it is). Because he is Josh, she is Maya, and she's contradicted herself too many times it's so lifeless, but she can't deny it—it's him, it always has been. Whether she likes it (she doesn't) or not.

"Where the hell am I?" he groans again, and Maya tries to control herself. _C-o-n-t-r-o-l_. _Calm the fuck down_.

And they're both two _stupid_ cliches. Maya hates stereotypes—she hates them because everything's so predictably perfect and harmless and Maya hates having to live up to whatever is there because she's a trail of devastation in everyone's wake.

"Good morning," Maya says roughly. Sure, Maya had a little too much to drink last night but she's okay, mostly. Alcohol doesn't fuck her up too much unless it's one of those days, but today isn't. Her head hurts a little when she jerks it too hard to the left, but aside from that, she's okay, she's okay, _she's okay_. She clears her throat as she steadies herself—she's been wearing this dress all day, all night, and it's comfortable but tight, way too tight to spend the night in. So she tries, she tries to stand up but her legs feel like jelly and her feet hurt like hell.

"Maya?" he speaks, finally.

"Yes?" she replies nonchalantly (she hopes, she hopes). She kicks off her heels as she marvels the sight around her—purple smudges, silver spots, passed-out people, empty wine glasses and champagne bottles and disposed ties. God, what a mess, what a damn mess _she's got herself into_. She peers at Josh carefully, waiting sharply for his reply, but there's nothing. He looks confused, and Maya wants to _ask_ if there's anything he wants to tell her but Maya is patient. Just about. It's a million seconds until she gets it.

"Oh, _shit_ ," he groans as he gathers himself up (or _attempts_ to, more like). And the effects have kicked in.

"Yeah, you look like it," Maya mumbles, running a hand through fading curls. It's greasy and lank and screams disgusting but it's pretty much the least important thing right now.

"Ha," Josh remarks.

Maya laughs, but it's weak. "Are you alright?"

Josh bites his tongue. "Yeah, except I think my eyeballs are gonna pop out. And my brain might explode but I'm doing great." Then there's an awkward, pregnant pause. "What 'bout you? You alive?"

"Unfortunately," Maya says.

Josh nods. "Things are so..." He pauses, looking around, a mouth dropping open. " _Shit_ , what the _fuck_ went down in here?" Maya tries to stifle a laugh, but emits as some spluttered cough, and his attention is drawn back. "Why am I even here? I don't even remember..." Josh looks so lost Maya _wants_ to tell him, but what's the use if things are blurry enough for him anyway? "Oh no," and his face almost loses its colour. "Cory called me up last night and asked me to babysit. _Babysit_. Where the hell is my niece anyway?"

"Um," Maya starts. "Well, she and Lucas—"

"Nope," Josh shakes his head way too fervently and drops himself back onto the sofa. " _No_ thank you, I'm fine without knowing that for a lifetime."

(Maya kinda likes hungover Josh.)

"I'm sorry," Maya grins. "Well, what're you gonna do?"

"Maybe I'll jump out of the window," Josh says thoughtfully. "Fuck, he's gonna _kill_ me."

Maya laughs again, eyes starry and a vision hazy. "Well, seeing as I'm the less hungover one here, I'll make ourselves some Brazilian coffee so we can get to shit and refrain from killing ourselves." Josh stops for a second, like some brainwave, spasm, she doesn't know, but it's weird. He's still for a moment until he shakes his head and gives Maya this bright smile (that makes her weak it _kills_ her) and then he comes over, pats her on the head, and tells her she's amazing. Just like in story books, a cliche, a beautiful, messed-up stereotype.

But Maya ignores it. As he bends down to pick up cups and saucers and anything covering the ground, Maya gets to work, turning on the coffee machine and she tries very hard not to think about everything she'd told him before, about Zay, about Zay, and about Zay—oh, and kissing Josh, of course. How could she forget?

And then Maya realises that her and Josh are not the only people in the room—in fact, they make up only a probable twelfth, and it's a matter of time until they wake up and scream the hell out of themselves. A matter of time.

And then, of course, _of course_ , so _very_ conveniently, the first to rise is Isaiah Babineux. Of course. Of _bloody_ course.

This is the Matthews' household, after all. Miracles, cliches, you name it. It is only Maya who notices, though, Josh is too occupied with getting his blowing head out of his ass to try and figure out how to open a rubbish bag without cracking his skull.

Well, this is going to be interesting.

"Heya, earlybird," Zay muses as soon as he catches sight of the blonde. Maya smiles back politely, and pulls out an extra mug from the cupboard—she tries not to speak because things will get oh so awkward, and it's too early for even more discomfort like this. Zay catches on because he's Zay and he knows her too well—he edges closer and Maya panics inwardly because _this is not supposed to happen_. Exes are supposed to bugger off the moment you break up with them—but then again Zay _isn't_ an "ex", not really, he's a friend, and you can't break up with friends like Zay, because Zay is Zay and dropping _him_ is measurable to dropping _yourself_. It's Zay, and it's Maya.

And Josh finally looks up in exactly the wrong moment. He winces but doesn't say a word, instead pointedly leaves, nodding at the two of them—she hates how he just... _knows_. (And it's Maya's turn to wince as he walks off in the wrong direction, too, _cough_ , Riley's room).

"All good?" asks Zay.

"Yup," smiles Maya, the first word she's said to him in a month now? They'd conversed shortly once after their break-up, but it was two words over Skype with Lucas and Riley: nothing. It's nothing now, it has to be, because although Maya may have had feelings for him at some point in their sort-of two years as boyfriend and girlfriend, Maya sees Zay as a brother. He's her brother, and she's his sister. _Not_ the Lucas-and-Riley way.

But it's oh so awkward she would do anything to get out of this moment.

"Well, awesome," and Zay flashes her a grin. "Are you as hungover as you look?"

Maya laughs out loud and it all feels better. But not quite. "Such a charmer," she says. "But I could totally say the same to you."

"Only," he replies.

"Well, I've made some coffee," Maya says quickly and she pours out the kettle, three equal cups displayed on the kitchen counter. Maya's tempted to call Josh's name, but even though Zay knows _Mayakindastilllikeshim_ she'd give the world for them _not_ to be in the same room as each other. She passes him the _Muffy_ mug and he takes it gratefully, giving her a warm smile.

"I saw you with Josh last night," he says, so matter-of-factly it's almost like it hasn't been said at all.

"You did?" she asks, almost rhetorically. She takes a sip herself, looking back to see where Josh has gone off to.

"I did indeed," he carries on.

"...So?"

"I'm really happy for you, and—"

Josh stumbles in, coughing loudly. _Almost_ like he's heard everything. (But surely he didn't, right?) He picks up some more junk from wherever he is at, and dumps the black bin bag in a pile next to the recycling. And he looks up at the two of them.

"Oh! Josh," Maya says.

"Hullo, again," Josh says. He turns to Zay. "Babineux."

"Matthews," is Zay's prompting reply. And then he stands up, a drained mug placed down in front of him. "Well, I'll let you guys recover and I'll do my best at shooing anyone who lays on my sight, 'mkay?"

"'Mkay," Maya nods. And she hands Josh another mug of lukewarm coffee. (No, their hands don't touch, _nonononono_ , not a cliche, _nonononono_.)

"Thanks, Gorgeous," he says, and he sits himself at the table—and Maya follows.

They don't say anything. Maya thinks about Josh and as she looks over at him wonders if he's thinking about her, too. (But it's a long shot.)

* * *

By ten the apartment is cleared and it's like it always has been.

...It's also about the time Riley finally decides to appear, wearing, rather discernibly, one of Lucas' shirts and a pair of skinny jeans—casually. Maya snickers as Josh immediately averts his gaze and coughs all too loudly, and Zay starts shooting questions, and Farkle props an eyebrow and murmurs something Maya can't here, and Smackle points at her and shouts bluntly and Maya walks over, scooping her best friend in her arms and tugging her to the bay window.

" _HUCKLEBERRY_!" Maya shouts. "Get your naked ass covered and _shove it_ , I have very important matters to discuss right now, and trust me, the stench of sex is enough for me." It's a reluctant two seconds but Lucas mumbles something as Riley widens her eyes and repeatedly slaps Maya's arm. Lucas' out all flustered and sheepish and he's out like lightning. "Right. So now we can talk."

Riley bites her lip and Maya knows it's excitement.

"You have a lot to spill then?" Maya grins.

" _Mayaaa_ ," Riley manages. It's dorky little Riley again, just like the Riley she pushed at the subway, straight into Huckleberry's lap. And her little stutters and little looks and princess smile. And her smile, _her smile_ , and every little thing she does that Maya has missed _so freaking much_. Her best friend. Her best friend, growing up. Riley needn't say more because Maya is already smothering her.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No!"

"And he didn't force you, or anything."

"Maya, it's _Lucas_!"

"Yeah, I know, but I had to make sure," Maya smiles, a little sadly. "Ickle Rileyboo, growing up already."

"It's only, you know..." And she goes a little red. Maya pats her little brunette's head. That's her—she's had it, and she can't even say it.

"Ring power," Maya says almost immediately.

"Ring power," Riley says instantaneously.

"Thunder—"

"Lightning."

If there is one thing that makes her feel normal, even for just a second, it's this; it's Riley.

* * *

The rest of the little Matthews family arrive from whatever escapade at around ten to four. By then the place is spic and span and it's almost like there _wasn't_ some deranged New Years party hosted in these very grounds, no, _no_ , who would even consider such an absurd accusation? It's not like anything happened, nothing too important, nothing like Riley losing her virginity or Maya falling for a certain brunette college student all over again. Or maybe it was just her waking up to the realisation that'd been sitting in front of her for all too long.

But then again maybe Maya knew _somehow_ , but the way they ended things pretty much summed up their relationship for the rest of their lives: friends. Really awesome friends—in college together, currently. The perfect innocent story, beautiful, depressing, everything. Yes, he's still three years older and she's still three years younger but three years is almost as good as three months _now_. Right?

One slight problem: their "long game" or whatever's been on hold for two years. Two fucking years. A long time to forget, huh.

Except Maya doesn't—Maya _didn't_. She remembers everything about him, about them—about what could have been. It really is depressing, but at least Maya remembers—remembered.

The TV is blaring and she is sat in between Riley and Lucas and Zay and it's just like the old times. With Farkle and Smackle just beside her with _Sudoko_ pads and popcorn bowls. It's uncanny, almost.

Maya suddenly wishes for magic. Something, anything, to finish this mess she calls herself.

 _Love Actually_ ends, but no one bothers to change anything, so the credits roll on for hours and Maya has to virtually drown the sounds from Lucas and Riley and whatever the hell they are up to. Zay stands up after a while and Maya's almost relieves he does. But then it hits her just how alone she is.

"Hey, family," a voice uplifts the somewhat gloomy environs.

"Hey, family," says a smaller one.

"My brother," Cory remarks from the kitchen table, out of habit.

"My brother," Josh replies. Topanga rolls her eyes at them.

Maya sighs. He always comes at exactly the right time. (The exactly right time to be wrong.)

"Did I miss anything important?" Josh asks innocently—the ones who notice them shake their heads. And then he lets Auggie run wild somewhere and before Maya can say a word he's plonked himself beside her on the sofa. He looks at her and smiles, one she returns—slightly confusedly. Because she's uncertain about a lot of things, what she's saying, what he's saying, why he's next to her, why she's next to him—what she's feelings, what she thinks— _hopes_ —he might be feeling. Does he remember? _Did it really happen_?

Maya finally averts her gaze and there is Zay. And he flashes her a knowing look and a kind smile. Then he follows Auggie as if he knows it is time to give them space. But nothing is said, not for a while—the telly is blank, and there's faint scrawling and sloppy kissing and Josh has this disgusting frown upon his face but he somehow stays sitting next to Maya.

"So, um," Maya clears her throat. It feels too unnatural to be true. "You feeling okay?"

"Never better," he smiles. "And you?"

"Same," Maya nods. She's always been shit at this "small talk". She thinks of the things she doesn't have—a lot, especially subtlety. "Things are still a little fuzzy?"

"A little?" he says and shakes his head in disbelief. "The last thing I remember was in 2017."

There is a flash of hope in Maya's eyes.

"...Cory called me, at some point, and summoned me here," Josh says, reciting his thoughts. "And then he, Topanga, and Auggie left, and then... Riley shoved a suit up my nose, and then... then there was the party. And I was sitting, and drinking, and doing nothing, and then I saw you." He pauses again, like before. "Well, I think I did. You were wearing the blue dress and your hair was all curly and you were drinking, too." Maya bites her tongue—hard. There is more than a pause next—Maya _really_ contemplated on whether he does remember, or not. There is a side that wins though, each and every time. "And then the next thing I wake up. Here." He points at them right now, and Maya notices Riley look up from Lucas' chest, shooting them a moderate look of question. Lucas seems to be blind from all.

"Oh," Maya says.

"Is... was there anything important?" he asks again.

"No," Maya says, and she tilts her head at an angle. "I don't think so."

"Oh, good," Josh says—is that a smile? Maya can't tell because something is clouding his face, a grit of his teeth, a bitter motion. But Maya can't hold on to hope when there's nothing, so she ignores it, like mostly everything that's happened today. Maybe what happened (she'd say yesterday, but it's not) with them at midnight would all but become a pile of nothingness, somewhere in the back of her mind, hidden, safely closed and turned hazy, like what she is in Josh's mind.

"Maya?"

It's not Josh this time. He's leaning back on the back of the couch, like he's trying to sleep. This time, it's Riley.

"Riles?" Maya returns.

"Bay window," she mouthes at her, and she stands and Maya only follows.

Riley tugs Maya this time round and as soon as they're in she kicks the door shut and pulls them to the bay window. Maya feels fifteen again.

"So what's the problem?" Maya asks.

Riley shakes her head. "No _problem_ , it's more that..." She looks around, like someone's going to pounce on them. Maybe they are, who knows? "I saw the way you looked at him today."

Maya raises an eyebrow. "Looked at who?"

Riley shakes her head disbelievingly. "You know very well who I'm talking about. And you and I both know that there's something going on—more than you're letting on—more than you're making him believe." And how did hungover Riley know _everything_? Oh yeah, she's Riley fucking Matthews. "So tell me, Maya. What _did_ happen that you remember and supposedly he doesn't?" _Supposedly_?

"What do you mean?" Maya inquires.

"Maya," she ushers.

"Riley," Maya echoes. "Look, it's nothing." And she stands up.

"Don't be like this, Maya," Riley says, and pulls her hand so she's back propped against cushions. "Something important happened yesterday—today—as you told Josh. Well, didn't, but you know you did. I saw the look on your face—I saw the look on his, too." ("I still have no idea what you're on about.") "Yeah, you do, and you gotta stop stepping back like this—you've done this too many times. Look, face it, you like Josh. You never stopped liking him since you were eight. And whatever went down two years ago hasn't stopped you from liking him, not fully."

"He was a dick," Maya states.

"Yes, he was," Riley nods. "But that's over now, two years." Maya doesn't say anything. "Now look me in the face." Maya doesn't dare comply, for she might break apart, so Riley takes ahold of Maya's face and gently moves it closer to her own. "Look me in the face and tell me you don't like Uncle Josh. Oh, and tell me that nothing—absolutely nothing—happened between you guys that is oh so very important."

Maya doesn't say anything still.

"Great," Riley mumbles. "you're being very cooperative."

"Riley, stop, please," Maya begs.

It is a gentle, warm look that stops them both. Maya is pleading, and she sounds so _broken_ , _confused_ , and Riley stops.

"Peaches," Riley says. "If you love someone, you tell them."

Maya blinks—three times, precisely. Wait, so she _loved_ him now? Yeah, sure, whatever, there was this phase at sixteen when she really _did_ think she loved him, and then there was little fourteen-year-old Maya who was _positive_ she was in love with him, or something. Whatever, she's _seventeen_ now—technically closer than eighteen than anything else.

"I don't—" Something else gets caught in her throat. "Riles, you did not just quote _Grey's_ to me. Tell me you didn't."

And Riley blushes adorably. Then the frown, disapproval, all kicks in, of course, it's bound to. "You're amazing, Maya. You're beautiful, you're smart, you light up everyone's day. And you deserve to be happy." Maya opts to not look into her best friend's eyes—or she'd fall apart, undoubtedly. She squeezes Riley's hand, one, two, three times though, and she squeezes back.

"But he doesn't remember," and it's a whisper. It's a lame four words, but it's all she's got.

"He doesn't remember..." Riley starts and it's a cue for her to finish. And it's a whisper back.

"Do you remember the night Zay and I broke up?" Riley doesn't seem too thrilled with the subject change but she nods her head along to the story and Maya scolds herself for this terrible idea. "Me in that _ridiculous_ glittery frock you picked up on the way from Dartmouth and you dancing on the top of Zay's roof wearing nothing but a feather boa. You were _so_ trashed that night, Farkle had to carry you _everywhere_." Maya smiles to herself as Riley cringes. "You were convinced Lucas would be cheating on you, or something, and I told you that he was way too loopy to even consider that, because he loved you. And people in love don't do that." Pause. "Then you asked me why I was still with Zay if I wasn't in love with _him_ , and then I asked you how you knew I wasn't. You were still so drunk but the only person making sense and before I knew you it you were talking about..."

A knock goes unnoticed.

"So I told Zay the truth... again," Maya says quietly. "We've always been better at being friends, better at talking that way. When you're with him it doesn't feel like you're... _with_ him in a way that's so entirely different to why you are, and that's the great thing about Zay. He's my brother." It's the best worst thing to happen, this realisation. "We dropped you off here, and then Farkle and Smackle wandered off to do their own thing, that left me and Zay. So we talked. We talked for a long time, like an hour, maybe more. And it was great."

"Where is this going, Maya?" Riley asks softly.

"I don't know," Maya bites her lip and answers honestly. It's a prayer, something she needs so much but will never have. "Somewhere, I hope. Really fucking hope." And then she wonders if it's really worth the while. Riley's look tells it all. "And so we parted, Zay and I. He told me he liked being my friend. And I said I liked being his. So it was mutual, seriously, more mutual than anything I guess I can ever know. I was happy. I was really damn happy, smiling my way down the high street for some bloody reason like some fool. Then I fell—at some point. Bashed my head against the tree and then I realised my mum's necklace was missing and my knees were all grazed and disgusting and nothing even hurt but I was crying. Really ugly crying. I hadn't cried like that for two years. Then I realised the reason I was crying and then I was crying some more and then I was thinking about why I was thinking about why I was crying, which..." Maya shakes her head at a split second of confusion. This is way too much for that already. She gazes out the windows. "It always goes back to Josh. It's always been him; since, what, third grade? And I hate it, because he's so nice and clever and weird and a great listener and every time I _want_ to hate him, I can't. Even when he's in a mood and pissy and decides it's great to just, I don't know, ruin everything and..." She contains herself. Two years is too little, too much. It's like yesterday and then it's not. It happened, and it feels so surreal it cuts her in _half_. "I want to hate him because he makes me feel all these things. So I'm crying and soaking and frazzled and I wind up at his dormitory. And he lets me in and he's so _nice_ and I want to punch him in the face and _even so_ he lends me a shirt and let's me sleep in his roommate's bed and he gets my bag and spare clothes and walks with me to class and—"

Something else. But that passes with no second thought either.

"He thought you were crying because of Zay," Riley says matter-of-factly.

"Yees," nods Maya. "Up until... up until I told him, just before midnight."

"Midnight," repeats Riley. "Convenient."

"Because I kissed him," Maya frowns. "I kissed him, and he doesn't remember."

Riley doesn't say anything, and it was coming, Maya knows she knew from the start, but Riley wraps her arms around her best friend forever.

"You wanna know something?" she says so quietly it's barely audible.

"What?" Maya asks, something even smaller.

"He's a terrible liar, too."

* * *

Riley and Maya finally leave their conversation and the bay window behind themselves and as they enter the kitchen Topanga shoots them both strange looks, to which they try to ignore—Maya in particular, _especially_ by the way she's looking at her. It's like accusatory, but not quite. Empathetic? Maybe.

"You girls are just in time for dessert," she gives a small smile.

Maya finds herself (just like fate) seated beside Josh and he gives her a small nod that says _Are you alright?_ and Maya returns the favour with hone silently screaming _Just about_. She looks away. _Please stop looking at me like that_.

Topanga is still staring at her with atypical eyes and Maya is still trying to ignore her.

But Josh sits beside her and she's anything but collected. And she doesn't even know half of it.

* * *

Following the aftermath and unwanted collision Maya likes to call New Years, she barely sees Josh at college. He's hidden away with studies and countless assignments, what with being his last year, but Maya senses an air of... avoidance.

Yes, it's two months until she sees him next—properly.

She's piled on with portfolios, too, and while Kerry spends most nights with her boyfriend Maya's left alone to do a lot of thinking. So she thinks about him.

It's two months and it feels so damn _strange_.

His eyes are still green, like hers are still blue. But they're drained, a little bit.

"Maya," he smiles.

"Josh," she smiles back.

For a second she thinks it's gonna go in some devastating loop or something but instead he _takes her hand_ and pulls her somewhere. She wants to ask but she's going to wake up in two seconds and it's going to be nothing. But he's still holding onto her hand and by then they are somewhere, somewhere secluded, a little.

"I need to ask you something," he says quickly.

"I do, too," she says. It's time, it has to be. She's not going to blend in the background and pretend it never happened. Because if there's something she's learnt (not just listening to a rambling half-naked Riley Matthews) is to _let_ the important things play its part. It's unhealthy for her to pretend _all_ the time—if any at all. She doesn't want to be the one to explode when they deflect on her and she loses everything—everyone—that's ever meant something to her. "Well, I guess... tell you something."

He nods slowly. "You first."

So she complies. And it's nervewracking, it fucking gives her some liveway nightmare and all creeps in and creeps out but it's over in two seconds and she mumbles the wretched words but the moment they're out it's. All. Wrong. She barely says it. A flash, maybe, but it's all.

"Wh-what?" Josh asks out of earshot.

"I told you a lot of things, that night on New Year," Maya says, this time a little steadily. Just a little bit—she's still having some inward panic attack, _nonono she's okay she's okay she's okay_ —"And a lot of things you probably don't remember." He watches in awe and curiosity and that, _that_ Maya doesn't know how to feel about. At all. The fact that he's not saying anything scares her the most. "But a lot of things did happen as well. One of being me, and you."

"You kissed me," he brings out all of a sudden. It stops. _E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g_. Maya's voice wavers on a single not, over and over again and she stops. "You kissed me, I kissed back, and now you're going to tell me it was all some spur-in-the-moment thing or shit, and then you're going to say it's better off if you and I just both ignore it ever happened so we can get back to out lives and carry on as best buds, or whatever else there is to be. Which also destroys the purpose of my question." His voice is a little bitter (if Maya is not very much mistaken), and he looks taken aback by himself.

"Well," starts Maya. There is absolutely nothing for her to even try to murmur. After a long while and as Josh starts to blush Maya speaks: "So what was it? Your question."

He doesn't answer. "Well... technically I had two. But it doesn't matter now."

" _YES_!" Maya almost shouts. "It does matter. And anyway, how do you even know I was going to say all that?"

She really isn't that predictable, is she? Oh wait, her name is pretty much a cliche and her face is a stereotype so what's the difference?

"Can you say something please?" Maya asks, clearly annoyed.

"I-I don't have an answer, Maya," Josh frowns. "I really just don't know."

 _I don't know... I don't know everything_.

Then it hits Maya. "You remembered. You remembered."

Josh blinks a few times and slowly a smile is on his face. "You think I'd forget?"

"Well, you did tell me everything was a little hazy," Maya says.

"Still is," Josh says. "But that was the least haziest thing of them all."

There is some silence upon themselves. It's confusing, their feelings, and at eighteen and twenty (for another six weeks she's caught up!) they still have no clue about what to do with themselves, with a game that they never even got round to playing. Are they supposed to act on them? Do they wait? It's too soon? It's too _late_? They keep the silence and their minds on earth and Josh turns to Maya, finally.

"So we don't forget it," he says, asking rather than stating.

"Not this time," she says, and smiles a little sadly.

She wants _something_ , more than this but she's scared.

She's always scared.

The bell is loud and noble and students rush in and out, even from where they are. So as time passes Josh gives Maya a final nod before turning around. Then Maya is left to slap herself: _YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING MORE, YOU EMPTY-HEADED MORON_. So much for doing something productive of what was available. (But at least it was _something_ , she guesses.)

Just as they are about two point five metres apart he turns around again. Maya is still staring as he walks and catches the glint in his eye. He is none the more reluctant and smiles loud and clear. "We're still on for someday?" is what he says.

Maya breaks out into her own happiness. And she nods, like the naivety she was at fifteen years old and her little airy nonsense sitting in front of that fire and shaking his hand and believing everything that came out of his holy mouth. It's a matter of time and faith and perhaps Maya finally has a little bit of both to let them move on. To the next step—the first step.

He flashes her one last smile, which Maya again returns. And it's different, it really is.

It's a promising one.

* * *

 **a/n:** okay, that's the longest chapter so far x'D hope you enjoyed it, i have several more coming up fairly soon and yeah, that's pretty much it, nothing too interesting hehe. also once again _THANK YOU_ for every single review, you guys rock! :)

to the guest reviewers (sorry, my answers a little sloppy, it's past midnight, i'm a little crazyx'D):

 **Melissa:** thank you sooo much! and they bring the best of each other, in my opinion, so that kinda just happened lol. and yasss of course, they are soulmates, after all ;)))

 **Guest:** ;D THANK YOU!

 **Jen:** thank you :) and drunk riley is the best haha, it's not the last of her x'D

 **Ash:** thank you, it means a lot :) and ;)

 **Guest:** yass they did, what with that chemistry and all ;)) us joshaya shippers are all in this together :P

 **Allie:** thank you :) and yes of course joshie boo would do anything for her x'D plus i dunno how long i could have kept them as a couple lmao.

 **Guest:** yay indeed, i need me some more joshaya fluff :P

 **Gmw fan:** that means a lot to me, i'm so glad :)

 **Guest:** THANK YOU :)

 **joshaya:** ;))

 **Joshaya:** i'm so glad i did :) and thank you so much, all these words mean a lot hehe :) and also.. xDD

 **Guest:** ;((

 **Guest:** nein, zay is too bby for that and there's only one guy who holds maya's heart mwahahaha :D

 **Amanda:** thank you so much! :) i'm pretty sure as hell they've always wanted their someday ;)

 **Guest:** wow, thank you! :)

 **Jess:** thank youuu! :)


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